How to Speak Romance Like Zoomer: Fifty-One Hyperspecific Terms for Romance, Sex and Bad Behaviour
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- By Linda Kelly
- 11 May 2026
David Raya Barely touched the ball as the Gunners dominated the fixture. Will be disappointed to have been caught napping by Richarlison. 6
Jurriën Timber Rarely ever puts a foot wrong and was able to advance at will. Persistence paid off in his key pass for Eberechi Eze's second goal. 8
William Saliba Rarely tested by Tottenham’s defensive tactics. There will be tougher challenges to come in the next few weeks without his regular defensive partner. 7
Piero Hincapié Looked assured in filling in for the Brazilian defender. Lacks the Brazilian’s physical prowess but makes up for it with skill and good judgment. 7
Riccardo Calafiori Hadn’t trained all week due to a hip problem but didn’t look off the pace. Provides Arsenal with fantastic energy all over the pitch. 8
Martín Zubimendi Directed the game from the midfield anchor with typical authority. Luckily, his mistake in giving the ball away for Richarlison’s goal didn’t affect the outcome. 7
Declan Rice Could have done better with first opportunity but can never question his work rate. Tottenham could not handle his marauding runs from midfield. 8
Eberechi Eze It had to be him against the club he rejected in the summer. Delivered a moment of brilliance to score a superb first before excellent finishes for his next two goals. 9
Bukayo Saka A few exchanges with Udogie in the first half before springing to life. Enjoyed celebrating Eze’s hat-trick almost as much as the scorer did. 8
Mikel Merino Always a willing runner playing up front and provided a moment of quality with a sublime pass for Trossard’s strike. 8
Leandro Trossard Skillfully took his goal. Will be hard to shift him from the left wing once the rest of Arsenal’s forward players return. 8
Subs: Noni Madueke (for Trossard, 78) A positive return from knee injury 7; Ethan Nwaneri (for Merino, 86) n/a; Cristhian Mosquera (for Hincapie, 86) n/a; Myles Lewis-Skelly (for Calafiori, 90) n/s
Guglielmo Vicario Two good saves as he perfected the art of slowing play in the first half. No chance with any of the Arsenal strikes. 6
Kevin Danso Made a shaky start after being brought into a three-man defense. No surprise that he was replaced at half-time. 5
Cristian Romero Usually a dependable last line of defence but could not cope with Arsenal’s constant pressure. Added to his misery by receiving a booking that means he is now banned. 5
Micky van de Ven The speedy Dutchman came to his team's rescue on several instances. Yet he was unable to stop Arsenal once they hit their stride. 6
Djed Spence Too sluggish to react to stop Trossard scoring and found himself pinned back. A difficult occasion for the English full-back. 5
Rodrigo Bentancur Spent most of the afternoon struggling to keep up. Could have done far better to stop Eze from dribbling through to score his opening goal. 4
João Palhinha Put himself about in midfield but was at fault of leaving an enormous space for Eze to capitalise on twice. 5
Destiny Udogie Found it difficult to contain the winger. At fault for Arsenal’s third and question marks remain about his defending. 5
Wilson Odobert Was difficult to work out what role he had been asked to play. Couldn’t get any success out of the defender. 5
Richarlison Found it hard to make any influence in the first half. But his excellent lob at least gave Tottenham something to take pride in. 7
Mohammed Kudus Virtually anonymous aside from a couple of promising early touches. Needs more support but spends too much time on the periphery. 5
Subs: Xavi Simons (for Danso, ht) Made a impact with willingness to drive forward with ball 6; Pape Sarr (for Odobert, 67) Added some energy 6; Randal Kolo Muani (for Bentancur, 67) Looked off the pace 5; Brennan Johnson (for Kudus, 78) The game was already over 6; Pedro Porro (for Spence, 78) Ended game arguing with Rice 6.
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