Saying Sorry Too Much: Ways to Stop the Pattern

For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that counseling might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.